Tips for Reality Therapy

I subscribe to a blog by Jesse Stoner and there was an article about engaging and enthusing employees.  I thought the three tips to do this were valuable when thinking about Reality Therapy.  They were; asking juicy questions, making silence your friend and proving you are listening.

It is said that if you know the answer to the question it is not Reality Therapy. If we ask a question that is 'juicy' it promotes deep thinking.  We know it promotes deep thinking when the client's focus becomes distant, they look thoughtful, contemplative and there is a small, yet visible change in energy.

Giving space for silence for some is uncomfortable. The self evaluation that occurs in the silence can also be uncomfortable for the client and we tend to rescue with suggestions or prompts to fill the space.  Yet silence can be the most powerful part of the process.  It gives the space for the client to think deeply.  This silence comes after the juicy questions. Waiting for the thinking to occur is so important. 

Clients know you are really hearing what they are saying when you use their response to frame your next question. 

The use of metaphor also helps the client know that you are really hearing what they are saying.  It has the power to summarise the feelings with a simple phrase that can really hit home for the client.

"So you are feeling like a doormat?  That everyone is walking over you.  Is that what you  want?"

Using these three ways of engaging our clients in Reality Therapy can lead to better outcomes for the client.  Is that what we want?

Winners and losers

This weekend I was talking with a group about the behaviours used by athletes when their scales were well and truly tilted; when what they wanted (a gold medal) did not match what they got (a silver medal). 

It is understandable that they choose to be upset.  When you put your all into preparing for a single moment in time and you don’t match that picture, the frustration signal is strong. There is an urge to behave, to get the scales back into balance.  

We also talked about making Plan B if you don’t get what you want.  This is not part of sport psychology and is based on the underlying belief that if you think even for one second that you will not achieve gold you will have no show of getting it.

The recent book review in the Choice in Action newsletter for the William Glasser Institute-New Zealand, Mindset:  The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dwek, professor of developmental psychology at Standford University writes about two mindsets.  The Fixed Mindset is the mindset that you have no control over your choices.  Someone with a fixed mindset thinks that they have permanent traits like intelligence and talents and they feel the need to prove themselves over and over again. They tend to rely on external reinforcement and choose to do things that they know they will succeed with.

On the other hand the person with a Growth Mindset sees things as a challenge to be overcome. Being given a grade of C+ to people with a fixed mindset would result in self doubt and self criticism, and attempts to protect their ego.  Someone with a growth mindset would think “I just need to try harder to bring this grade up.”

Dwek says “ You have a choice. Mindsets are just beliefs.” This book goes on to suggest the way in which we can help children to develop a growth mindset.

According to this theory the way in which someone with a fixed mindset deals with frustration is different.  Perhaps this might explain some of the chosen behaviours of the athletes as they win and lose in their chosen events. 

 Kate Downton from Western Australia made the following comments on Facebook.

 I am absolutely appalled at the Olympics coverage by the 9 Network. To say to a young man who has just come 2nd in an Olympic final; "James you must be so disappointed, what happened?" - how disgusting!

 How about - "Congratulations, a silver medal at the Olympics, you've got to be happy with that."

 

What hope do our children have when they see this being said to an Australian coming 2nd at the Olympics. How are they going to feel when they come 3rd at their school sports carnival?



How about rewarding what is, not focusing on what isn't. I want my children to grow up in a world that celebrates achievement - whatever it is.  Even the athletes coming last - they are still one of the best in the world.             And this should be celebrated.

 Learning to deal with frustration and learning to think with a growth mindset in the face of defeat are skills that can be taught.    

The Symbolism and Hope of the London Olympic Games

While watching the march-past (perhaps these days more of a walk past) of the athletes at the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in London, the countries reminded me of students in a classroom.  Each country has its specialty – Ethiopia in distance events, Ghana in boxing, Guam in wrestling, the multi talented Australian team in many fields of sport. The look of pride on the face of the flag bearers, the pinnacle alongside the gold medal, says it all.

There are countries that have yet to win a medal, marching along with countries that have won many.  There are countries like Greece dealing with financial challenges at home and countries like Egypt with recent political upheaval.  They all come with that same sense of pride at representing their country.

There are many who have overcome such difficulties in their personal lives to get to where they are today. 

Each child comes to the classroom with a specialty.  Joseph for being a kind and gentle boy; Wendy is good at maths and science; Jason specialises in manipulating and controlling others.

That sense of pride is evident in the faces of these students as they begin to achieve something productive.  Some are yet to achieve that ‘medal’.  Perhaps that ‘medal’ is being able to read well, or solve mathematical problems, or managing in difficult situations.  Perhaps it might be getting along with others without resorting to power-over.

The preparation, the support from home is not always there for some children.  It is easy to blame parents for this, but this does not mean that they cannot achieve the results of others at schools.  It doesn’t take a special teacher to be able to reach and extend some children who do not learn in the same way on the same day.  That is our job. Meeting the needs of students and taking them from where they are to what they can become; successful, medal winning, vibrant learners

Just like champions in the world of sport, we need to believe that every child is a champion and that they can achieve, given the right opportunities. In a classroom that values and teaches harmony, friendship, respect and fair play every student can succeed.

External Control Language

Becoming aware of our language is an important part of learning to implement Choice Theory in our lives. We are immersed in a world where people use blaming and threatening language to get what they want.  We often unconsciously use language that comes from external control.   

Some of the words we use out of habit include the following.

Made me  

"She made me angry"  "It makes me..."

Katy Perry's song "The One That Got Away" has a chorus that says

And in another life, I would make you stay, 
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away


In essence we cannot make someone do something that they don't want to do

Have to     

 "Firstly you have to ..."   "He has to be..." 

Sarah Mclachlan in her song “Do What You Have To Do” says

I know I can't be with you, 
 I do what I have to do

We are surrounded by external control language.  Bringing to a conscious level what we are saying is the first step eliminating these words from our vocabulary.

Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.

This blog by Megan is the second in the series.  Ahmed was a Year 11 student who had been suspended twice for disruptive behaviour.                

Ahmed was one of the cool guys. He was tall, good looking, confident, well- spoken, street smart, other kids followed him and looked up to him. If he had an idea, the others followed him. He was a leader, but going in the wrong direction. He was a dude, a gang leader and wore a gold chain and trendy clothes.

He was in the lowest English class in Year 11 and only attended class once a week if he felt like it. When he came, he understood more of the text than any other students who had attended every lesson. He answered questions correctly and with insight and intelligence. But, he was failing badly, and the teachers didn’t like him. He was demoralised and on the verge of being expelled for smoking, drugs, non-attendance and disrespect towards authority.                     

I had ONE conversation with Ahmed to handle this problem. It took about 7 – 10  minutes of my time outside of class one day in a relaxed fashion.

Here is the conversation outline:

Megan: Hi Ahmed, I was wondering if it’s a good time to talk with you now? (respecting)

Ahmed: I suppose so. What’s it about?

Megan: Well, I’ve heard that you’ve been having some troubles recently and …. I’m a bit concerned about you. Can you tell me what the problems is? (I am telling him that I want to listen to him)

Ahmed: (relaxes when he sees I’m interested in his version and I’m not going to yell at him) Well, I keep getting caught for things that I do wrong. I don’t really mean to do them, but …. (trails off)

Megan: hmmmm. Anything else? (opportunity to express himself and I will listen – he feels a sense of being cared for and being important)

Ahmed: All the teachers are against me! I can’t do anything right. I feel like shit … oops, sorry Miss. I mean, you know what I mean right? (looks dejected)

Megan: Well, actually, yes, I think I do. (understand and accepting/validation) (He looks surprised at my response)

Megan: Once you do something wrong, it’s hard to prove to people that you can do something good, isn’t it?

Ahmed: I think it’s impossible.

Megan: Perhaps you’re right.

Pause

Megan: Look, maybe there might be a solution. Would you be interested in hearing it – I have a few ideas.

Ahmed: well, ok but I don’t know how much good it’ll do.

Megan: Well, I listened to you, right?

He agrees.

Megan: Well, this is what I see when I look at you. I think that you’re very intelligent. You don’t come to class much, but when you do, you get everything right! Do you think the other guys in the class can do that?

Ahmed thinking for a bit: No probably not.

Megan: Right, but you can. Do you realise that you have leadership abilities?

Ahmed: What is that?!

Megan: Well, when you’re with your friends, do they follow you or do you follow them?

Ahmed: They follow me.

 Megan: That is the sign of a person who can lead other people. And furthermore, do you know that some of the most influential people in the world had problems with teachers at school because they questioned things?

Ahmed: silent

Megan: silent

Ahmed: I didn’t know that. 

Megan: Well, it’s true, go and read some biographies and autobiographies of famous people.So, now that you recognise that you have the ability to lead other people, that gives you a kind of power, right?

Ahmed: I never really thought about it like that I mean, I never thought of myself as powerful before.

Megan: Well, if you have the power to influence other people, you can do bad things and people will follow you – and that’s how you and the other boys got suspended, right?

Ahmed: yeah.

Megan: AND, on the other hand, if you do the right thing, you can get people to follow you and have a positive influence on people, in the world and you can make a difference.

Ahmed: Oh

Megan: What I mean is, that you have a choice about what kind of influence you have – because you are the kind of personality that is very strong and you can’t really hide it. So, if you take the wrong path, what do you think will happen?

Ahmed: I’ll probably go to prison eventually.

Megan: Is that what you want for yourself?

Ahmed: No but I don’t know what else to do. I’m having troubles at home and troubles with my girlfriend and (sigh) …….

Megan: Well, would you like to try something different? I mean, would you be willing to make a deal with me?

Ahmed: It depends what it is.

Megan: Well, here’s the deal: You come to all lessons and do all the homework I give you. I’ll help you if you need it. Do you think you can do that?

Ahmed: I suppose so.

Megan: Would you be willing to apologise to the other teachers and tell them that you’ll try to improve and ask for their support?

Ahmed: Well, I suppose so.

Megan: Well, you need to do something different here or you might be asked to leave the school permanently and you don’t want that, do you?

Ahmed: No. I really don’t.  I want to do well.

Megan: I know you can be successful if you just give yourself a chance. The bottom line is come to class ok, and then do as much of the homework as possible, but come to class, listen and read the book. Is that a deal?

Ahmed: You really think I can do it?

Megan: Yes, Ahmed, I know you can but you must keep to your end of the deal, ok?

Ahmed: OK, it’s a deal then.  (I forgot to say that Ahmed is a seriously big boy ... he towered over me at 17 years old)

What happened? 

He kept his end of the deal, missing one lesson due to misfortune with a valid reason.

In the next exam, Ahmed came second in the year group with 92%. When I found him and told him in person, he asked me if I was sure and I had to tell him three times. He smiled like a cheshire cat but he also had tears in his eyes (me too).  After that, he changed his clothes and his hair. He stood taller. He looked well groomed, calm and proud of himself.

A few months later, he had to change schools as his mother found a new job. He didn’t want to leave the school.

The day he left, he came to my staff room to say goodbye of his own accord.

This is what he said to me (he looked nervous):

‘Miss, I just want to thank you for being the best teacher I’ve ever had.’ He paused. ‘I also want to say thank you for believing in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.’ 

Evaluating my own behaviour

Megan is an Australian teacher who has worked in Spain, Vietnam, at the Australian International School in Saigon, and in Japan. At  Sydney East Hills Boys Technology High School she learned about and applied her knowledge of Choice Theory . She has a Masters in Teaching in English and TESOL and can also teach Music. This is the first of two articles that Megan has written about her experiences in teaching.

I had a Year 8 (fourteen year old) all boys English class.  It was 98% Lebanese NESB ( Non English Speaking Background) students, living in the Western suburbs of Sydney and attending an all-boys school.  It was a public school in a lower socio-economic area.  

 This class had been streamed into classes based on their ability and the class was the ‘bottom’ group.  It was group of 22 students, none of them wanted to learn; considered themselves ‘stupid’ and they were disruptive almost constantly. Rarely did any of the students complete any set task, and rarely was any lesson plan successfully implemented due to the behavioural difficulties.

For example one student was constantly calling out, ‘I am the fat little lebbo!’ while exhibiting a massive Cheshire cat grin (Abdul)  Another sat at the back displaying catatonic behaviour, never doing anything except doodling and avoiding his work, very successfully (Peter)

The rest of the students played jokes, distracting each other from doing any work, talked incessantly, threw chairs out the windows, hit, kicked and generally annoyed one another. They would all lose their tempers within a few seconds if they felt threatened in any small way and appear to have little control over their own behaviour. Most have been diagnosed with ADHD and each student demands your CONSTANT attention throughout every single moment of every lesson.

The students appeared to be having great fun in class. ALL the teachers who taught this class were on the verge of a breakdown. Some teachers considered leaving teaching due to the difficulty of this class.

After my Glasser training, I decided to try to do something different. First, I started thinking about myself. I realised on the way to the lesson one day that I HATED all of them. I hated them because I could not control the class, and therefore, I could not satisfy my own need to feel a sense of power and control over my work and for this reason, I felt like I wanted to strangle some of them at times, especially when they were all having so much fun and I was utterly miserable.

I thought about this some more. I realised eventually, that I was bringing negative feelings into every class and I felt tense and angry before I even arrived and discovered that I was blaming them for my lack of ability to teach them. I tried to be in control, but I would often resort to yelling at them, punishing them, sending them outside, to the principal’s office and threatening and bribing them in order to try to control them. I was not in control at all.

Then, I realised that I was expecting them to change their behaviour when I couldn’t even manage to change my own behaviour. I wanted to feel good, but couldn’t.

Next, I thought about the students. I read all of their personal files and got to know them a little bit more. Reading their files was sobering. All of them were from broken homes with quite serious family problems, some had alcoholic parents, some had parents in prison and some had been sent to see psychiatrists and were on medication to control their behaviour. They were only 14 years old. I cried a lot for those boys in the filing room that day.

 After I finished, I thought for a long time about them. I tried to imagine what their daily lives must be like. Most of them were probably shouted at by their parents, probably told that they were useless and stupid and they probably felt unwanted and knew that their lives were doomed at the beginning. No one cared about them. They were nobodies and they all knew it.

Furthermore, when they arrived at school, probably from the moment they arrived, every single teacher probably disliked them as much, if not more than their parents, and so… I asked myself "How could any of these students have any of their five basic needs for love and belonging, power, freedom and fun and survival?"  In the end, I realised that every single student was desperate to feel loved and was literally demanding my attention every second of the class. 

When I thought about the way I responded to their demands for attention, I realised that I responded in several ways:

 I tried to distance myself from them.   I tried ignoring them I tried controlling them, but this didn’t work for long because they were having too much fun trying to rile me and make me lose my temper – this got them a LOT of attention.   I NEVER ONCE connected with them, I certainly did not love them and I certainly did not respect them.  I absolutely did not create a peaceful environment for them and I brought all my negative feelings into the class with me and watched the clock desperately wanting every lesson to end.  I reacted to their demands for attention by reacting to their negative behaviour – ie they got attention when they acted badly.

So after I looked at my own behviour very carefully and the attitude I had towards my class and how I was behaving in my lessons, I did something different. 

Finally this was my plan.

I selected Animal Farm by George Orwell as our text to study. Everyone in the faculty thought I was insane and objected violently saying that the class wouldn’t understand it. I suggested that they would, if it was presented properly. Since they all probably understood the idea of injustice, I proposed that they would understand the political ideas and that they would love the animals. I was showing them respect even though I wasn’t in the classroom.  I stood up for them publicly. Anyway, I decided that I would stand up and fight for this issue and somehow managed to succeed.

Next, I told the class that it was a difficult text but that I thought that they were smart and that if they listened, they would really enjoy the book, and that they would be able to prove to other people that they were really smart and they would get to feel good about themselves. (demonstrating encouraging, trusting and respecting behaviour, believing in them)

I prepared my lessons with a lot of love and care, really trying to try to explain the concepts in ways that were interesting, funny, using things that they would relate to using comics and funny drawings as well,  (supporting and accepting/liking them) and differentiating my materials. 

I made the work as easy as possibly by making it in simple chunks and giving clear instructions (supporting, trusting, respecting). 

I told them that I would help them if they did not understand. I told them that I would be there for them (supporting, listening, encouraging).

THEN, every lesson I made a point of thinking loving and kind thoughts about each student and about the class. Trust me, this was not easy at first, but I started by thinking about one positive thing about each student. Then I went to class.

Every lesson, I made my actions slow, calm and took care never to raise my voice. I gave clear instructions, and then, I went to each student and said things like  "Do you understand the task, John?" "Would you like some help with this question?"   "Which question seems easy to you, let’s do this one first then. I’ll show you ok. Then you can do the next one yourself?" "Are you having trouble getting started? Here, let me give you the first word."

Questions like " Are you focused on your work Abdul?" yeilded an answer, ahhh then laughter. Then I’d say "Never mind, let’s focus now then, which question are you doing then?"
I spent the whole lesson giving each student attention. If they completed anything, I would tell them well done for the effort. Then, ask them if they wanted to know a better word for next time, and then show them how to write it better.

If they asked a question, I would always answer it and when they did things wrong, I would ask them if that was the best way to behave in class? They usually said no, but I never lost my temper and never yelled at them.

I hoped they would feel that I liked every one of them, and told them that they had control over their actions. I encouraged  good behaviour  publicly.

A few times, I had to talk with students privately but this was done in a low key fashion. At these times, I negotiated better ways to behave in class in a calm, positive way that gave the student other ideas and choices. I showed them that I cared and that they mattered. 

They understood the concepts without any problems and they LOVED the idea of the animals representing different kinds of people and political ideas!

By the end of the year, ALL students had improved their results, even Abdul. The most surprising result was from Peter who had, according to my assistant teacher, NEVER produced one piece of work for any teacher. Peter started to write for me. My assistant was astonished. In the final exam, Peter wrote a compelling essay on the political corruption in Animal Farm and came first in the whole year group, moving from last place in the year group, to first place. He went to the top class.

I felt humbled and inspired by this experience in so many ways.  It wasn't easy and I had to think and I had to be aware and awake, but it was easier than continuing in the other direction and in the end, we all had our basic needs met. 

Changing the Focus of our Attention

When we change our focus as a result some significant event we perceive the world differently.  Things that we did not notice in the past suddenly take on a greater importance.   We filter out a lot of what we see around us.

 This has been the case in a number of people in my family. My sister in law has experienced the relatively rare auto -immune disease Guillian Barre Syndrome or GBS.  The symptoms include a paralysing of the body in various parts.  In some cases it can result in paralysis of the lungs requiring assisted breathing technology. 

 While Jan’s treatment stopped the progress of the syndrome short of this stage, it has meant weeks in hospital learning to do things like rolling over and standing and walking.

Joyfully, Jan was able to come home about a month ago and can now walk with the aid of a walking frame.  She is not yet able to drive because of lack of feeling in her feet.  This means that family members take her on outings.

When it comes to maneuvering a walking frame from the car to the pavement or to the library by the steps, things come clearly into view. 

Where are the ramps in the town to enable easy access from someone who requires this type of facility?

Where are the disabled car parks – you know the ones that are always the only empty ones in the street when, as an able bodied person, you were looking for a carpark?

What about the supermarket?  These parking spots that can be used with a disabled parking permit become so important when they are a necessity rather than just a desire to walk a shorter distance.

You really look at the world with a very different lens. You knew that these facilities existed but previously they had very little meaning for you.  Your total behaviour becomes more creative to get that easy passage to where you want to go.

Your thinking about the car parks and the wheel chair access changes as you get more significant information and when it is a safety survival need that is being taken away from. Your perception of the world alters and is never the same again.

.

Tenacity and Commitment

"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."  Mary Kay Morrison

This quote sparked thoughts about the 80 year old oak tree that grows in my New Zealand garden. Its tenacity and commitment resulted in a huge tree with a beautiful thick trunk, sturdy branches and tens of thousands of leaves, all of which come down in the autumn.  One branch has grown around the thick rope of the child's swing that has been there for many years.

The genetic instruction of the acorn was to grow, reaching upwards and downwards, using the soil, sun, air and rain to ensure that the tree survived.

We don't have genetic instructions to grow a trunk or branches or leaves.  Our genetic instructions are to meet the needs of survival, belonging, power, freedom and fun.  

We choose behaviours to get what we want which is aimed at meeting those needs on a daily basis.  Our soil, sun, air and rain is the nourishment we need in our lives to continue to grow as people.  

In classrooms, that nourishment is vital for the growth of each child to blossom.  In schools where internal control psychology is the basis for all decisions, the nourishment is evident.  


Some schools have been working to implement the ideas of Choice Theory for a long time.  Sunshine Beach State School in Queensland, Australia began its journey 20 years ago.  Koraunui School in New Zealand has been training people in Choice Theory and its applications for more than ten years. It takes tenacity and commitment for a school to continue on this pathway.  

Sometimes the climate produced by the governing bodies does little to enable schools to pursue with the tenacity and commitment needed to match their own quality world pictures. Seemingly endless barriers are put in the way of quality, and schools struggle to keep up with barrages of change. 

It will be the ones that hold their ground that will win through and provide the sort of education that all children need and deserve.  




BE PART OF OUR GREATEST GATHERING EVER!

We are finally able to give you details about the William Glasser Association International Conference scheduled for 6th to 9th June 2012 in Loyola Marymount University (LMU) in Los Angeles, California, U.S.A.

1. This is the First International Conference organised by the new William Glasser Association International
2. The location is Dr. Glasser’s home town.
3. As Dr. Glasser is no longer able to travel beyond Los Angeles, this gives us a special way to honour him and his work.
4. We have made a special effort to keep the registration fee and the accommodation fees at the lowest levels ever.

Join us in celebrating Choice Theory around the world!

1. To allow us to finalise our deposits with LMU it is vital to the success of this conference that we get as many early bookings as possible.
2. We are asking you to pay your conference fee now.
3. The early registration fee is $300 (ending 31st Jan 2012).
4. The conference fee includes registration, all presentations and keynotes, breakfast, lunch and dinner Thursday to Saturday inclusive and including the Saturday banquet.
5. If we do not achieve our target deposits by the end of January we will need to reconsider our options.
6. If, for any reason, the conference is not held your fees will be returned to you.
7. Important: Do not pay for any flights until you receive a receipt from the conference committee and a clear go ahead from us to book flights.

For all information about this conference
including payment links
visit WGAI site

Happy Australia Day

I was interested to hear this morning that Geoffrey Rush had been made the Australian of the Year. A very worthy recipient for such an honour. A quick look at the media and a survey in one of Sydney's papers showed that not everyone agreed.

When he was interviewed he said he was humbled by the award.  He spoke about being in the company such amazing people - the other nominees- who were passionate about what they were doing and how he was changing his perception of what it is to be Australian.  As we know, more knowledge - from significant others can often change perception.

His hope as Australian of the Year is to bring about a shift in perception about social issues through the arts.  He particularly wanted to inspire young audiences.

I got to thinking how it would be to mingle with these people.  They all have a quality world and have different pictures and yet they have similarities.  As we believe that all motivation is from our quality world pictures and how we attempt to live our lives to get what we want, to meet one or more of our basic needs  of Survival, Belonging, Power, Freedom and Fun.

Geoffrey Rush said that his chief drive was 'a professional calling'.  Perhaps this could describe what other nominees thought about what they do.  Perhaps the sense of a professional calling is about meeting all of the needs by what we do.  Perhaps it is about the values we hold as people who can make a difference for our fellow human beings.

Making the difference

A young mum who, with her husband had taken over the family farm, put in a nutshell the difference between schools that adapt the philosophy of internal motivation versus external motivation.    

She had grown up on the farm and was used to the daily tasks of farming. 

She said “It is so different now, being a farmer instead of a teenager on the farm.  When I was growing up I just did what dad told me to do.  Now I have the responsibility of the decisions and I love it.”

This is the essence of the Glasser Quality School classroom.  In a school where external motivation is used, the students do (sometimes) what the teacher tells them to do.  In a school based on internal motivation the students take responsibility for their choices and do the work because it adds quality to their lives. 

As teachers, if we make all the decisions and always tell students what to do, they do not develop the sense of ownership and joy in learning that students attending a Glasser Quality School do.

In the daily tasks on a large farm, the owners would constantly be self-evaluating; the best way to achieve the desired results; the outcomes of their work; the amount that they have achieved and the work still to be done.  

These minute-by-minute decisions make the difference between failing and succeeding both on the farm and in the classroom.